After reading the Pope’s 10 Driving Commandments and John Kelso’s followup, I’ve taken it a step further and have written my own 10 Commandments of Living in Italy.

1. Thou shalt not stand in lines but instead amass thy selves in reckless mobs.
2. Thou shalt honketh thine horn in abundance against any transgression — real or imagined.
3. Thou shalt attend Sunday mass 10 minutes after it begins and depart 10 minutes before it hath completed.
4. Thou shalt argue about soccer, politics, and religion at great lengths — and always in that order.
5. Thou shalt refer to any food not Italian as unsuitable for human consumption. The lone exception shall be McDonalds.
6. Thou shalt shout at politicians being interviewed on TV during the nightly news. Flinging thine arms in the air will get thine point across better.
7. Thou shalt not use the air conditioning in thy car under any circumstances for it is unnatural evil.
8. Thou shalt use food-related terms to describe real life objects. “As white as panna,” “as long as a salame,” and “as foul as Gorgonzola” are all acceptable combinations.
9. Thou shalt park thine cars in patterns that, from the heavens above, resemble ants scurrying for a crumb of pie.
10. Thou shalt describe women by the size of their breasts through a cupping motion of thine hands and a pursing of thine lips. The size of thy smile should be proportional to the distance of thine hands from thy chest.